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I woke up that morning with an unsettled feeling that I didn’t belong there. I felt uneasy and very anxious. These feelings really surprised me. For months I had anticipated this retreat and reconnecting with women who I already had established friendships with. After breakfast I tucked myself away from everyone else for a few moments because I knew that I needed to hear what God had to say about this. I didn’t have any explanation other than spiritual warfare or emotional anxiety, neither of which felt like the right answer in this instance. Though I fully expected that those were my only two options.
I quieted myself and asked God, “why am I feeling this way?” and told him that I was afraid that this anxiety was going to negatively affect my interactions with the women over the next two days. I felt him agree with me in that. I sat and waited for an answer to my question, looking out on the changing fall colors of the tall trees in front of me and doing my best to release the anxiety that was clinging to me. But, I couldn’t shake it on my own. Then the answer came.
“You’re afraid that you’re aren’t a leader, but you are.” As soon as those words entered my heart I felt the anxiety leave me, completely gone, washed away. Peace took it’s place.
I didn’t expect to hear that. I had no clue that the uneasiness that I was experiencing was actually the fear of being found out as a fraud or a fake. Thank God for that word that rescued my heart in that moment! I was able to move forward with a free and peaceful heart the rest of my time at the retreat.
I’m beginning to realize that much of the anxiety that I battle revolves around who I am, my giftings, my work, my voice, and my calling. It’s simply a result of believing the lie that I’m an imposter, that I’m not good enough to take up the space or the calling that God has given me.
Friends, if you’re feeling this way too… if you’re struggling with anxiety or a lack of confidence in your calling, if you feel like you don’t belong… don’t believe the lies. You aren’t anything less than what God says you are. And He says you’re beautiful, chosen, gifted, and loved. He’s placed you in your exact location and family for a reason. He’s given you a beautifully unique heart, personality, set of gifts, resources, story, and voice that no one else posses. Own it. Let His truths equip you and armor you against the lies so that you can live in freedom and peace.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:6-8
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